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| OT: Jazz Math [message #82943] |
Wed, 11 April 2007 06:28  |
John Macy
Messages: 242
Registered: April 2006
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Senior Member |
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JAZZ MATH
1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at
which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down
his amp.
2. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional
to # (drinks he has consumed).
3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + 4.667 + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1
chorus trading with the drummer.
4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally)
= Annual income of Jamie Abersold, in dollars.
5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ....
6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig.
7. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by
club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay for
gig).
8. 1 up tempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights
among horn players to solo first).
9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x(Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where
x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.
10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle
11. Jam session + eighth -note rest = missed opportunity.
13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + YorkYork + YorkNew) + New York +
2(Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley
from hell.
14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (#number of beats per measure)
x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.
15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y volume level of
drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist
on break, then (d) (xyz/pay of the gig in dollars) predicts the
probability of pianist urinating in the instrument.
16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians
on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.
17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the
size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the
instrument.
18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz
vocalists who sing " Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among
tunes most despised by instrumentalists.
19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.
20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita +
prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high
society gig/Elks club gig.
21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive
90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in
advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor
staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for
drunk rich people? Would you take it for ½ that much? After you bid on
the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the
same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but ½ as good
-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you
bother practicing?
22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 time at mm = 180, and
the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8
measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?
23. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh
chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will
attractive women notice? Will the drummer?
24. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician,
but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has
larger genetalia?
25. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer
sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against
the singer or against one another?
26. If (% of Americans who like jazz) = (% of Americans who like chain
saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?
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| Re: OT: Jazz Math [message #82946 is a reply to message #82943] |
Wed, 11 April 2007 08:35  |
Paul Artola
Messages: 161
Registered: November 2005
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Senior Member |
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Wow! That's a lot of theory for my poor brain. I guess my math skills
have deteriorated over all these years. I only seem to remember a
couple of facts - the square root of 100 is 10 and the square root of
69 is 8-something!
- Paul Artola
Ellicott City, Maryland
On 11 Apr 2007 23:28:11 +1000, "John Macy" <spamlessjohn@johnmacy.com>
wrote:
>
>JAZZ MATH
>
>1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at
>which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down
>his amp.
>
>2. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional
>to # (drinks he has consumed).
>
>
>3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + 4.667 + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1
>chorus trading with the drummer.
>
>4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally)
>= Annual income of Jamie Abersold, in dollars.
>
>5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ....
>
>6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig.
>
>7. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by
>club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay for
>gig).
>
>8. 1 up tempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights
>among horn players to solo first).
>
>9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x(Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where
>x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.
>
>10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle
>
>11. Jam session + eighth -note rest = missed opportunity.
>
>13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + YorkYork + YorkNew) + New York +
>2(Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley
>from hell.
>
>14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (#number of beats per measure)
>x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.
>
>15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y volume level of
>drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist
>on break, then (d) (xyz/pay of the gig in dollars) predicts the
>probability of pianist urinating in the instrument.
>
>16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians
>on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.
>
>17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the
>size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the
>instrument.
>
>18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz
>vocalists who sing " Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among
>tunes most despised by instrumentalists.
>
>19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.
>
>20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita +
>prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high
>society gig/Elks club gig.
>
>21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive
>90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in
>advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor
>staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for
>drunk rich people? Would you take it for ½ that much? After you bid on
>the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the
>same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but ½ as good
>-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you
>bother practicing?
>
>22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 time at mm = 180, and
>the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8
>measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?
>
>23. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh
>chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will
>attractive women notice? Will the drummer?
>
>24. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician,
>but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has
>larger genetalia?
>
>25. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer
>sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against
>the singer or against one another?
>
>26. If (% of Americans who like jazz) = (% of Americans who like chain
>saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?
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