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| things about Chuck Norris you need to know [message #96014] |
Fri, 15 February 2008 19:42  |
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Deej [5]
Messages: 373
Registered: March 2008
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Senior Member |
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Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.
- There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt
the wrath of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
not had to pay taxes ever.
- Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat
the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
- There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
Norris.
- In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go
back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a
scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years
later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
- Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he
didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
- Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A,
Select, Start using only his erection.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes
corn needs to lie the fuck down.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There
were no survivors.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's shit.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
- Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the
Sega Genesis.
- Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the
8th wonder of the natural world
- Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
- Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
water.
- There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
- Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
- Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find
a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at
you blankly until you sit back down.
- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
- Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
- In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host
Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast
on the hooker in "Total Recall".
- Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
- Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he
won't trade any of them for anything.
- In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
for one scene and nobody noticed.
- Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
paralympics.
- Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him
which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
- Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
- Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last
for up to 15 days
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear
and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
- A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
man ate a fucking Indian.
- Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full
House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one
of the Olsen triplets.
- When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
Norris isn't afraid of small children.
- If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.
- A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit
Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
- Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term 'Virgin' Mary he laughs out loud.
- It used to be called the Tower of Pisa until Chuck Norris decided to
roundhouse kick the shit out of it.
- Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove
he isn't racist.
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| Re: things about Chuck Norris you need to know [message #96015 is a reply to message #96014] |
Fri, 15 February 2008 22:43  |
Rod Lincoln
Messages: 883
Registered: September 2005
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Senior Member |
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Oh man...I've seen all this stuff before, but I still love it!
Great stuff!
r
"Deej" <noway@jose.net> wrote:
> Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
>can kill him and take it.
>- There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have
felt
>the wrath of Chuck Norris.
>
>- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
>
>- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
>only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
>not had to pay taxes ever.
>
>- Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat
>the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
>forfeited.
>
>- There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
>Norris.
>
>- In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to
go
>back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a
>scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years
>later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
>
>- Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he
>didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
>
>- Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B,
A,
>Select, Start using only his erection.
>
>- Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes
>corn needs to lie the fuck down.
>
>- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
>instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
>
>- Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There
>were no survivors.
>
>- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
>to kill you, including the room itself.
>
>- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
>
>- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
>tennis.
>
>- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
>
>- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
>
>- Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
>lactose's shit.
>
>- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
>
>- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
>the Earth down.
>
>- Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
>
>- Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the
>Sega Genesis.
>
>- Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the
>8th wonder of the natural world
>
>- Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
>
>- Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
>water.
>
>- There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
>Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
>
>- Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
>
>- Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't
find
>a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares
at
>you blankly until you sit back down.
>
>- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
>
>- Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
>
>- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
>
>- In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host
>Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast
>on the hooker in "Total Recall".
>
>- Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
>
>- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
>
>- Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says
he
>won't trade any of them for anything.
>
>- In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
>for one scene and nobody noticed.
>
>- Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
>paralympics.
>
>- Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him
>which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
>
>- Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so
he
>can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
>
>- Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if
your
>erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last
>for up to 15 days
>
>- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
>of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
>
>- If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear
>and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
>
>- A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
>people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
>Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
>
>- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the
>man ate a fucking Indian.
>
>- Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full
>House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with
one
>of the Olsen triplets.
>
>- When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
>Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
>Norris isn't afraid of small children.
>
>- If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
>
>- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
>notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
in
>the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
>
>- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
>
>- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.
>
>- A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit
>Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
>
>- Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term 'Virgin' Mary he laughs out loud.
>
>- It used to be called the Tower of Pisa until Chuck Norris decided to
>roundhouse kick the shit out of it.
>
>- Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove
>he isn't racist.
>
>
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| Re: things about Chuck Norris you need to know [message #96021 is a reply to message #96014] |
Sat, 16 February 2008 02:12 |
rick
Messages: 1976
Registered: February 2006
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Senior Member |
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i didn't reallize he was that deep of an individual...thanks for the
heads up.
On Fri, 15 Feb 2008 20:42:59 -0700, "Deej" <noway@jose.net> wrote:
> Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
>can kill him and take it.
>- There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt
>the wrath of Chuck Norris.
>
>- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
>
>- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
>only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
>not had to pay taxes ever.
>
>- Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat
>the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
>forfeited.
>
>- There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
>Norris.
>
>- In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go
>back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a
>scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years
>later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
>
>- Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he
>didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
>
>- Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A,
>Select, Start using only his erection.
>
>- Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes
>corn needs to lie the fuck down.
>
>- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
>instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
>
>- Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There
>were no survivors.
>
>- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
>to kill you, including the room itself.
>
>- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
>
>- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
>tennis.
>
>- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
>
>- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
>
>- Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
>lactose's shit.
>
>- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
>
>- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
>the Earth down.
>
>- Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
>
>- Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the
>Sega Genesis.
>
>- Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the
>8th wonder of the natural world
>
>- Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
>
>- Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
>water.
>
>- There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
>Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
>
>- Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
>
>- Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find
>a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at
>you blankly until you sit back down.
>
>- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
>
>- Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
>
>- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
>
>- In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host
>Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast
>on the hooker in "Total Recall".
>
>- Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
>
>- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
>
>- Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he
>won't trade any of them for anything.
>
>- In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
>for one scene and nobody noticed.
>
>- Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
>paralympics.
>
>- Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him
>which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
>
>- Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
>can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
>
>- Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
>erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last
>for up to 15 days
>
>- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
>of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
>
>- If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear
>and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
>
>- A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
>people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
>Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
>
>- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
>man ate a fucking Indian.
>
>- Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full
>House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one
>of the Olsen triplets.
>
>- When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
>Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
>Norris isn't afraid of small children.
>
>- If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
>
>- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
>notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
>the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
>
>- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
>
>- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.
>
>- A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit
>Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
>
>- Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term 'Virgin' Mary he laughs out loud.
>
>- It used to be called the Tower of Pisa until Chuck Norris decided to
>roundhouse kick the shit out of it.
>
>- Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove
>he isn't racist.
>
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| Re: things about Chuck Norris you need to know [message #96024 is a reply to message #96014] |
Sat, 16 February 2008 05:33 |
Bill L
Messages: 766
Registered: August 2006
|
Senior Member |
|
|
And my personal favorite: Chuck Norris Doesn't get wet when he goes
swimming. The water gets Chuck Norrised.
Deej wrote:
> Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
> can kill him and take it.
> - There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt
> the wrath of Chuck Norris.
>
> - Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
>
> - When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
> only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
> not had to pay taxes ever.
>
> - Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat
> the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
> forfeited.
>
> - There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
> Norris.
>
> - In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go
> back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a
> scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years
> later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
>
> - Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he
> didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
>
> - Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A,
> Select, Start using only his erection.
>
> - Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes
> corn needs to lie the fuck down.
>
> - When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
> instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
>
> - Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There
> were no survivors.
>
> - In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
> to kill you, including the room itself.
>
> - Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
>
> - Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
> tennis.
>
> - Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
>
> - It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
>
> - Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
> lactose's shit.
>
> - Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
>
> - When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
> the Earth down.
>
> - Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
>
> - Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the
> Sega Genesis.
>
> - Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the
> 8th wonder of the natural world
>
> - Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
>
> - Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
> water.
>
> - There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
> Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
>
> - Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
>
> - Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find
> a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at
> you blankly until you sit back down.
>
> - Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
>
> - Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
>
> - Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
>
> - In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host
> Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast
> on the hooker in "Total Recall".
>
> - Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
>
> - Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
>
> - Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he
> won't trade any of them for anything.
>
> - In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
> for one scene and nobody noticed.
>
> - Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
> paralympics.
>
> - Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him
> which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
>
> - Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
> can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
>
> - Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
> erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last
> for up to 15 days
>
> - Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
> of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
>
> - If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear
> and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
>
> - A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
> people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
> Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
>
> - Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
> man ate a fucking Indian.
>
> - Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full
> House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one
> of the Olsen triplets.
>
> - When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
> Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
> Norris isn't afraid of small children.
>
> - If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
>
> - In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
> notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
> the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
>
> - Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
>
> - Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.
>
> - A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit
> Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
>
> - Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term 'Virgin' Mary he laughs out loud.
>
> - It used to be called the Tower of Pisa until Chuck Norris decided to
> roundhouse kick the shit out of it.
>
> - Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove
> he isn't racist.
>
>
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| Re: things about Chuck Norris you need to know [message #96026 is a reply to message #96024] |
Sat, 16 February 2008 08:58 |
Deej [5]
Messages: 373
Registered: March 2008
|
Senior Member |
|
|
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
------=_NextPart_000_0168_01C87082.853A77C0
Content-Type: text/plain;
charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.=20
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.=20
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but =
because he has run out of women.=20
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke =
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while =
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds =
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in =
the face.=20
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.=20
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead =
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he =
grew a beard.=20
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was =
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a =
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's =
no glitch."=20
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.=20
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related =
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.=20
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and =
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was =
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his =
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and =
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second =
Wednesday of the month.=20
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a =
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. =
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had =
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, =
to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he =
taketh away.=20
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could =
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU =
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. =
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't =
fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony =
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile =
radius of the blast went deaf.=20
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck =
Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the =
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other =
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined =
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three =
died of roundhouse kick related deaths.=20
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked =
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds =
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.=20
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.=20
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. =
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high =
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the =
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck =
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then =
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.=20
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.=20
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. =
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high =
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the =
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck =
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then =
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.=20
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck =
Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.=20
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.=20
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.=20
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for =
this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.=20
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.=20
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct =
species list.=20
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.=20
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, =
"Bang!"=20
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.=20
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to =
a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone =
constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then =
burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the =
flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"=20
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost =
his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its =
technical term: Jupiter.=20
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of =
northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 =
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following =
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and =
the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.=20
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.=20
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, =
Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.=20
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<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside =
out, so he=20
gets the pleasure. <BR><BR>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he =
has never=20
cried. <BR><BR>When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because =
he is=20
gay, but because he has run out of women. <BR></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked =
someone so hard=20
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed =
Amelia=20
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>If you ask Chuck Norris what time it =
is, he always=20
says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he =
roundhouse=20
kicks you in the face. <BR><BR>Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures =
of=20
Chuck Norris. <BR><BR>Rather than being birthed like a normal child, =
Chuck=20
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. =
Shortly=20
thereafter he grew a beard. <BR><BR>Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street =
Fighter=20
II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button =
caused him=20
to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, =
"That's=20
no glitch." <BR><BR>Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.=20
</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was =
born,=20
roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. =
<BR><BR>Chuck=20
Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and =
unparalleled=20
martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck =
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The =
devil, who=20
appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it =
coming.=20
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. <BR><BR>Filming =
on=20
location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby =
lamb=20
back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm =
animal=20
sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse =
kicked the=20
animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck =
giveth, and=20
the good Chuck, he taketh away. <BR><BR>Chuck Norris's girlfriend once =
asked him=20
how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. =
He then=20
shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and =
ripped out=20
her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he =
bellowed,=20
"Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the =
irony=20
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile =
radius=20
of the blast went deaf. </FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He=20
waits<BR><BR></FONT><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New =
Roman"=20
size=3D3>Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like =
Chuck=20
Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the =
gift of=20
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, =
jealous of=20
Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have =
Chuck=20
omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick =
related=20
deaths. <BR><BR>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. =
Chuck=20
Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 =
different=20
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 =
minutes.=20
</FONT></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20
size=3D3></FONT></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>Chuck Norris=20
does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. <BR><BR>There is no =
chin=20
behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. <BR><BR>Chuck =
Norris=20
once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football =
game.=20
When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick =
the field=20
goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 =
yards=20
through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the =
stadium.=20
</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>Chuck Norris=20
does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. <BR><BR>There is no =
chin=20
behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. <BR><BR>Chuck =
Norris=20
once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football =
game.=20
When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick =
the field=20
goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 =
yards=20
through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the =
stadium.=20
</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>If you can see=20
Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be =
only=20
seconds away from death. <BR><BR>On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck =
Norris=20
took over. </FONT><BR><BR><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" size=3D3>Chuck =
Norris=20
drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. <BR><BR>A duck's quack does not =
echo.=20
Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why =
he will=20
simply stare at you, grimly. </FONT><BR><BR><FONT face=3D"Times New =
Roman"=20
size=3D3>Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. <BR><BR>If you want a =
list of=20
Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list. =
<BR><BR>Chuck Norris=20
has never blinked in his entire life. Never. </FONT><BR><BR><FONT=20
face=3D"Times New Roman" size=3D3>Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane =
down with=20
his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" <BR><BR>Chuck Norris doesn't need to =
swallow=20
when eating food. </FONT><BR><BR><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>Chuck=20
Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a =
vacant lot=20
and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed =
a bar=20
around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place =
to the=20
ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave =
things=20
the way you found em!" <BR><BR>One time while sparring with Wolverine, =
Chuck=20
Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with =
it to=20
this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. <BR><BR>Contrary to =
popular=20
belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is =
the most=20
venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human =
being=20
experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, =
tightness=20
of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car=20
windshield. <BR><BR>Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father. =
<BR><BR>Chuck=20
Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, =
Oxford will=20
simply change the actual spelling of it. </FONT><BR></DIV>
<DIV><BR><BR><BR></DIV></FONT></BODY></HTML>
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