| OT: Jazz Math [message #82943] |
Wed, 11 April 2007 06:28  |
John Macy
Messages: 242
Registered: April 2006
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Senior Member |
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JAZZ MATH
1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at
which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down
his amp.
2. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional
to # (drinks he has consumed).
3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + 4.667 + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1
chorus trading with the drummer.
4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally)
= Annual income of Jamie Abersold, in dollars.
5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ....
6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig.
7. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by
club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay for
gig).
8. 1 up tempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights
among horn players to solo first).
9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x(Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where
x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.
10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle
11. Jam session + eighth -note rest = missed opportunity.
13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + YorkYork + YorkNew) + New York +
2(Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley
from hell.
14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (#number of beats per measure)
x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.
15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y volume level of
drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist
on break, then (d) (xyz/pay of the gig in dollars) predicts the
probability of pianist urinating in the instrument.
16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians
on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.
17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the
size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the
instrument.
18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz
vocalists who sing " Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among
tunes most despised by instrumentalists.
19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.
20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita +
prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high
society gig/Elks club gig.
21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive
90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in
advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor
staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for
drunk rich people? Would you take it for ½ that much? After you bid on
the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the
same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but ½ as good
-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you
bother practicing?
22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 time at mm = 180, and
the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8
measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?
23. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh
chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will
attractive women notice? Will the drummer?
24. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician,
but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has
larger genetalia?
25. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer
sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against
the singer or against one another?
26. If (% of Americans who like jazz) = (% of Americans who like chain
saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?
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