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| things about Chuck Norris you need to know [message #96014] |
Fri, 15 February 2008 19:42  |
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Deej [5]
Messages: 373
Registered: March 2008
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Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.
- There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt
the wrath of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
not had to pay taxes ever.
- Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat
the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
- There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
Norris.
- In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go
back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a
scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years
later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
- Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he
didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
- Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A,
Select, Start using only his erection.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes
corn needs to lie the fuck down.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There
were no survivors.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's shit.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
- Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the
Sega Genesis.
- Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the
8th wonder of the natural world
- Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
- Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
water.
- There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
- Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
- Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find
a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at
you blankly until you sit back down.
- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
- Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
- In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host
Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast
on the hooker in "Total Recall".
- Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
- Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he
won't trade any of them for anything.
- In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton
for one scene and nobody noticed.
- Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
paralympics.
- Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him
which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
- Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
- Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last
for up to 15 days
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear
and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
- A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
man ate a fucking Indian.
- Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full
House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one
of the Olsen triplets.
- When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
Norris isn't afraid of small children.
- If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.
- A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit
Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
- Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term 'Virgin' Mary he laughs out loud.
- It used to be called the Tower of Pisa until Chuck Norris decided to
roundhouse kick the shit out of it.
- Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove
he isn't racist.
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